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13
Jan

F*@k You, Inspirational Photos!

 

I am sure everyone is tired of reading about New Year’s resolutions. If I see one more inspirational gym routine or eating clean post I won’t be giving up gluten, I will be giving up Pinterest! I think looking at pictures of fitness models shot in perfect light and airbrushed to perfection make me want to reach for a drink, not a stalk of celery.

I am not trashing people who go to the gym, eat healthy, or build their furniture out of pallets. I am trashing the idea of comparing your life with what a website picture defines as “Normal.”

I mean what the fuck is the above lady runner picture supposed to mean? Run with you heart? Ok let me try that…yeah, it doesn’t work. I tried running with my spirit and soul as well. No dice. You have to run with your legs and arms it seems. Also, I would really like to know who wears this outfit when they go out for a jog. Good luck keeping those shorts out of your ass, I don’t care how fit you are. Nothing says sexy like pulling a wedgie out of your butt-crack.

If you want running inspiration look at marathon photos like this one of my brother Paul.

Here he is finishing the Chicago marathon…and he is sweaty and his clothes don’t match.

The gal above does exist and you can look like her with serious diet and training. I take comfort in knowing that tonight when I go out and have a conversation with friends over beers the runner/ heart gal in the picture above is somewhere having a deep conversation with her thighs and a bowl of raw kale.

Eat healthy, eat clean, gluten free, low carb, low fat, 3 day juice cleanse... What I should have eaten and drank 5 years prior is now on the “Don’t you dare eat or drink this or you will die!” list for 2014. I remember willing myself to switch to Diet Coke, but I guess some rats have been pounding it down in some lab, now they are in poor health. The food pyramid we learned in school is now just a pointy shaped lie! I have no clue what the hell is in the picture to the left, but if I prepared that for my family for dinner they would plot to suffocate me in my sleep. Again, if your children are drinking green smoothies by the gallons congrats to you and your healthy shitting family! I try to pack a lunch, cook a few meals, and opt for a lower calorie beer. Give yourself a high five if cook! If you are eating something green and leafy give yourself a double high five.

Hooray for parties, big fan of them! I was thinking about throwing a get-together to battle cabin fever so I got on the internet and typed in wine tasting party. Well looks like I am going to have to ignore my family and career for a solid week to accomplish this bull-shit! I don’t recall when parties became so intricate. There are dress codes on invitations; my friend had to dress up like a sailor for a nautical themed bachelorette party! When you saw an annoying pack of ladies holding up the drunk in the veil you knew they were together, the matching outfits aren’t necessary. It seems homemade streamers, banners, and informational signage is a must…we wouldn’t want anyone asking questions about what’s being served or where the bathroom is located! And the best of all is “Thank you for coming to my home, drinking my booze, and eating my food. Please accept this votive candle that I made in my candle-making shed in the backyard as a reminder of this glorious event.” Sorry but my January party will consist of box wine and board games, your parting gift is a wicked hangover. Propaganda is a powerful force; I am totally guilty of running head first into trends and fads! I haven’t gotten an adult food allergy yet, my income isn’t high enough. Maybe if everyone could tell a friend to start shopping at RollnUp Smoke Shop and Liquor I will be allergic to dairy in no time! The odd mix of motivation and shame are creepy in “thinspiration” posts. If you struggle with your weight the last thing you need to see is some skinny bitch in a bikini saying “nothing taste better than thin.” I think that message sucks, and it isn’t true…garlic mashed potatoes taste way better than thin. I think it is rad that people can share creative ideas on the internet, but there can be an unhealthy pursuit to perfection. I wish I could devote the time to looming my own rugs and refurbishing old dressers into benches, doll houses, and entertainment centers. The only thing I can boast about in the Do-It-Yourself category is Rolling My Own. Here is a real life inspirational picture! The inspiration is to save some money and buy local.

Cheers to real life, box wine, garlic mashed potatoes and my brother Paul in 2014!

Holly Kruep

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