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Thu
18
Jun

Sharpie Tattoos, Safe Words, and Other Handy Rules for an Enjoyable Bachelor / Bachelorette Party

 

I recently attended my lovely cousin Emily’s wedding shower.  Everyone was asking the details of her dress, reception food, and honeymoon plans. I wanted to hear about her bachelorette party, hoping it had already taken place so I could enjoy some funny stories.  No dice, Emily was gearing up to leave for Vegas after the shower so I will have to wait and hear about the shit show at a later date. Yes, every bachelor and bachelorette party is a shit show.  If yours wasn’t then congrats on having super boring friends. A night out at the local strip club or tavern has turned into destination weekends with themes and high expectations.  So bride and grooms, it is your night, but if your party drops 1K on airfare and hotel just to dress up like a pirate because your wedding has a nautical theme, don’t be shocked if everyone gets drunk and loud.  I can give you some tips on how to have a fun shit show, rather than a night that “we will never discuss again - NEVER!” Feel free to print this out and give it to your designated wedding party and party-goers.

The Rules - 

1. Pictures - Take some group pics before the alcohol enters your system.  Make sure that you capture this joyous affair in a sober state.  The bride and groom can throw down the rule of pictures or no pictures after that point.  Let’s face it, the blushing bride isn’t framing the moment you captured her vomiting on her “Soon-To-Be Mrs.” satin sash.

2. Phones - You are here to celebrate your homey getting married so be present.  Knock out your phone calls to kids, spouses, work, friends…It’s rude and annoying when your in the limo and you are FaceTiming your toddler or constantly texting your wife.  If you need to check in, that’s cool, just excuse yourself and make those calls in private. 

3. Sharpie Tattoo - Make sure everyone writes important info somewhere on their body.  Hotel Name, Room #, Phone #’s, Addresses, location of bail money…  This one seems excessive, but there has been many a story of friends that loose their wallets, cell phones, money, clothing, and worst of all minds and memory.  Jot this down with a sharpie in a discreet place or write it on your damn forearm depending on your tolerance. When you are poured in the cab you will be so happy to say “I don’t…uhhh wait…I go here! Look I wrote it down! What’s that smell Mr. Cab driver?” 

4. Safe Word - We all saw Fifty Shades of Grey right?  Make up a word to shout out if someone is hurting you, themselves, or your buzz.  If a party goer shouts out the decided-on word like “Yellow” you shut your behavior down immediately. This comes in handy when the maid of honor begins to hysterically cry for no reason or your old high school pal really believes the exotic dancer is interested in them.  Excessive amounts of booze can lead to drama and ignorant behavior.  Make a solid pact when you are sober if you hear the word: stop, sit, and order a water.  This goes for the bride/groom as well.  A bachelor party is a night to cut loose, but it is still reality.  If you call your best-man a “piece of shit fuck face” for pulling you off a stripper pole don’t be shocked if he isn’t excited about holding the ring during your ceremony.  

Strip Club Side Notes -

A. Hit an ATM before you enter the club. The service fees on ATMs in clubs and casinos are brutal.    

B. Don’t go too early. Don’t go too late. Don’t eat the buffet.

C. The dancer doesn’t like you.  It is their job to entertain you.  They want monetary tips not conversation, advice, or a relationship with you.  

D. If you pay an exorbitant amount for a dance and get more…then you have left the realm of exotic dancerville and landed in hookertown.

5.  Safety - This in not the night to experiment with recreational drugs or getting out of control.  Don’t be the asshole who has to go to the hospital because you hallucinate and see Jesus riding a dragon behind the bar.  Getting arrested or having your stomach pumped is not the funny quip you want told during the wedding toast.  

6. Supplies - Water, Advil, and shower gel to scrub off glitter should be plentiful at your landing spot.  It’s ok to say “I am done, heading back to the room, and going to bed!” You will have plenty of opportunities in the morning to wake up the person who called you a pussy for leaving.

I hope that these guidelines help keep you safe, somewhat healthy, and your wedding party in tact. If you break rule #1 make sure you snap a pic of your RollnUp Hugger so we can post it on Facebook.

Cheers,
Holly 

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